03/23/16
Dear Alien,
I lied to your father today. I told him I had an early meeting, which is why I left the house at 6:50A. The truth is, I went to do bloodwork. I took tests Monday and Tuesday and after many many hours of agonizing over what appeared to be lines, I e-mailed Dr. Evans and asked to come in this AM for bloodwork. I told no one. I did last looks this morning to make sure I wasn't crazy. And a part of me thinks I am. There is no part of me that believes when the 818 number pops up on the phone, that Dr. Evans will be on the other end, bestowing good news on me. No part that believes but every part that hopes. I'm trying to prepare myself for the bad news. The news that this will not be the start of our mother / child journey together. That you are sadly not yet growing inside me. That my eyes, do in fact, play tricks on me with those tests.
But how I do hope. I've played out the scenarios in which I could happily share the news with your father tonight. How I've done a little to get him through this yuck part and onto the next yuck part which is seeing if my numbers go in the right direction. How I've measured out approximately how much celebrating is appropriate before we dig in and continue pushing the boulder up the hill.
I want to meet you so bad Alien. Whether it's 9 months from now or a year. I just want to meet you and show you how much we love you and you are only an idea right now. Just someone please tell me you are a pine nut now.
I love you,
Mom
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