03/18/16
Dear Alien,
Since your grandfather died, I look for signs everywhere. Signs that he is around. Signs that he is watching over me and actively participating in my life. Signs as small as catching the instrumental version of a Bruce Springsteen song in a supermarket or as large as a giant gust of wind interrupting my wedding ceremony while he was being spoken about - so large that I actually told him out loud that "we get it" and the wind subsided. Your grandfather loved to make his presence known so it's not uncommon to get these peaks into his continuing-existence fairly often.
Lately, with everything, I question the signs. If he knew how much pain I was in, wouldn't he do what he could to show me everything will be okay? I'll get a sign, like a dream that he will cameo in, only to have a delayed period and negative pregnancy test. What do they mean anymore? Why isn't he coming around to tell me to keep the faith, that you and I will meet one day soon?
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe the signs are that he is here with me. Going through this as much as me and your father. Or your grandmother and aunt. He can't make the situation better but he can show me he's still championing me, still in my corner. Why should he have special parenting powers that supersede my mother's just because he is no longer around?
I think I'm just so desperate for something to tell me to keep hanging on, that this is right around the corner, that we just need to go a little further before we get our sweet sweet baby.
Or maybe I'm just tired from a 4 hour Bruce Springsteen concert last night. Apparently your aunt was very early pregnant with your cousin the last time she was at Bruce. Sign?
I love you,
Mom
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